I have been thinking...
I have been thinking a lot, about my life and the people I love and the people I keep at bay, or just far enough away that i don't really have to worry about them one way or another.
Sabrena called me today and we were talking about Hammocks.
How a hammock makes me view, reflect and face the facts of my life I am quite unsure.
but...that is how it started.
I told her I had a hammock swing, and I do, Greg bought it for me then I moved and it is just sitting at his house.
I have yet to take it out of the box.
He is fixing to move, Shane is buying a house and until his father moves out of his house Greg will still be with Shane.
After his dad moves Greg will move again into his house...
I told Sabrena I would put it up once Greg moved into his house.
which made me think of everything, crashing in on me all at once.
in a moment of clarity I realized, that I had said, I would put it up once Greg was settled into his house.
I even knew where I was going to put it...on the back porch where I can look at the tree he planted there.
now why did I think that???
I told Sabrena I guess I planned on keeping him awhile.
which started the other part of my thinking
why is it I want rid of him so badly?
why do I always do this?
have I ever just given into someone completely??
I thought I had.
I thought I had that with Frank, although Frank knew everything dark secret I had, every bad thing about me...all the good things
I don't think he ever had all of me
I doubt anyone ever has.
which is funny...because I love my friends completely, I give to them more freely than I do my lovers...
why do I do that??
is it all the bad shit that has happened to me?
is it my life just as I know it
why do I hold back
am I just so fucked up that even the shit I knew was fucked up about me is really worse?
have I been hiding from myself as well???
Holly and Jade both like Greg, does that make me not want to like him as much because there is going to be a problem that I make and blow all out of portion???
they both said that I would not keep him because, if they like someone I find a reason to get rid of them
is that true??
I think it might be...
because to be honest, Greg isn't a bad person, he just has issues about sex...which I am pretty sure as to why he has them.
I mean I think I have it figured out.
so I guess I use that as a reason to push him away...
like I don't have issues...hell after today's epiphany I am pretty sure I have more than just issues....yeah...
I am almost positive that a doc would tell me all that is wrong with me and why...blah blah blah...shit I never wanted to hear and thought I could just push it away and it would matter.
and then the other thing..
I upset Greg the other day because he asked if I would miss him if I didn't get to see him, and I was honest and said no..I wouldn't I don't miss people like other people if they aren't here, they aren't here, and that is true mostly.
Holly is the only person that I miss and that isn't all the time just sometimes.
I mean I miss my kids, I miss Krista, I miss my other sister, but Holly is the only one that I think of the most and go dammit I miss her being with me.
I miss having her around. I miss her above all others....
why is that???
and what does that really say about me.
Sabrena said she only knew one other person in the world like me..and that was Jade.
out of sight out of mind...
I mean something can happen and I miss people
or I will see something and go ah I miss so and so...but Holly is the only person that for no reason I miss her.
is that not a sign that I am a sociopath!!!
Apparently I don't care
I just cant seem to make sense of any of it today
I see problems without the solution
and answers to the wrong questions