Well, things are strange with the router not working, only one computer online at a time..Yuck. I hope after I buy gas for the car, I think I have the money for a new one. I well, guess I will run to the store and get one...now bah
I was in love with Queen, god it been so long ago I think it was "News of the world", aleast that is the one album I looked up that seems right, my friend on it on vinyl and we listened to it over and over and over :)
So, my house seems a little more empty, and I feel pretty depressed. and I think something may be wrong with me somewhere... I have had 2 periods for the last two months, normally you can set a clock to my period, but not the last two months, I hope it is just stress I hope it is just the depression, but I noticed also that the right side of my stomach is extended out further than my left, and that is where my worry comes from.
I'm so tired of my life the way it is right now. I started thinking I don't want to be here, in Texas City, I want to be in Galveston!!! but then, two days ago or three I noticed these flowers outside on the fence, I went to look at them I KNEW them, from up here, but I wanted to see what they were. They are blackberries! then yesterday I seen the honeysuckle on the fence, makes me want to stay right here.
I just want it my way, and I can't stand the fact that I don't have it my way.
And, sometimes there are journey's through life that whatever you think is right, or whatever you want, sometimes it just doesn't go the way you want. Sometimes there is not ONE thing you can do to change a series of events. Sometimes all you can do is sit back and let life happen, and watch.
This trip has been a long road, that I didn't want to take, wrong turn or something. In the end, I feel ok. not wonderful but, ok
I really felt guilty for moving away, for leaving dad, for leaving Holly, for not being here... maybe I still do a bit, but I can't change any of it.
the services for daddy were wonderful, I thought it was the best we could have possibly wished for, we laughed and shared stories about dad, and cried, but there was more laughter than tears, and I honestly think dad would have prefered it this way Although I tell you, it was hard to come up with G rated stories to share...Dad was an R rated kind of guy. but it was nice. Daddy was so funny. And so much an ass, that the stories that people did tell were very funny. It was much better than everyone sitting around crying the whole time. Jade was telling me afterwards that she almost told the story about Dad teaching her to change a tire and how bad she screwed it up, and she said daddy got so annoyed with her..but she couldn't think how to tell it without dad's colorful words :D I realized then that Tristan doesn't know how to do that..and I guess its my turn to teach those things too him instead of dad. .........
Millard told Sabrena at the sevices, that dad's girlfriend...the one we hadn't met, passed away on Sunday....weird. too weird.
A few days ago, Pearn told me and Sabrena that Jim Cimmoroli wanted to know Dad's middle name, So we told him and THEN Pearn told us Daddy would never tell any of them his middle name...WHOOPS sorry dad...I told Pearn damn, you would have never know it because the obit didn't have it...It was put in the paper as William "Tink" Montgomery..we didn't put dad's middle name because he hated it and Everyone knew his as Tink anyway...
I thought I could make an entry that made sense, I don't think I am...
Today I have to go help Holly move the furniture out of the Garage and out of the Apartment that is hers, we are putting it in storage. I wonder if she is up yet?? probably not. uh I miss my bed terribly. I need to go by a couple of places today with the kids so people can see them. James wanted to see the kids and Cecil wanted to see the kids while I was in town. and I need to do that. I was going to go see Lisa Smith, and Joellen, but they are not answering their phones and not returning my calls...weirdo's anyway. I guess I need to find something to do to keep myself entertained...
So here I am, I spent the night with Amanda and Captin. Today is going to be the hardest day of my life so far. Dad's services are today at 1pm, and you know I didn't plan on daddy dying when I packed our clothes for this trip I even knew he wouldn't make it, everyone said he probably wouldn't so even knowing that I didn't pack funeral clothes, I didn't want to jinx daddy like that. So...this is going to be weird in more than one way. I will be the one not dressed right. dammit ... I am not sure why it is bothering me so much I know daddy wouldn't care. He wouldn't
God, I am going to miss him, I already do He was our rock, he always was, if we needed anything, Daddy would help us Daddy may have complained about it, but he would do anything he could for us when we needed it. I don't want to do this.
This has been such a journey, that I never wanted to take.
Old photo's old letters, old memories...they just seem to keep popping up. and you know if the three of us hadn't kept finding these things and talking about them for hours we may have all broken before now. my mind is a jumble of things, I guess I will try making more sense later...
Well, I am leaving in the morning to go to Oklahoma, Dad is in the hospital, not the best way to visit home but...here I go, I have cried myself out I think. My head is killing me. and there went my day without a ciggie... I surely smoked one when I got off the phone with Holly, but starting again in the morning it is no ciggie for Laura once again.
So, yeah I have been working my ass off since before Christmas, so until sometime in February I will be uber busy. it sucks. but whatever.
Holly is here visiting woo fun... Not really haven't had time or energy to do much of anything at all with her, but maybe next weekend after I get paid we can go have a girls night or something...whatever. blah. I think I will have a date with my boyfriend tonight since we haven't had time to do anything either. in well really months. It is much needed.
So, I got that promotion, now I miss Lynn!! heh I also need two new people for my crew. and I have plenty of volunteers. :D which is great I just wish I got to pick them instead of giving idea's then three of us deciding. anyway
I woke up this morning with my head pounding how do you wake up with a headache blah i better go to work
So, I have a wet carpet by the front door rain is running into my apartment under the door. :( Went to the office about my mailbox key...it still won't open my box, so they put in a new lock...got the new key...and...and it doesn't fit. Yeah so with everything else I just laughed...the woman in the office couldn't open it either..haha!!! yeah, so anyway.
Maybe later today I can check my mail?
So I had to leave work yesterday two hours early, because Jade called from school... She was suspended. Fighting in class. YAY Laura! blah. So the principal, told me the other girl did in fact start the fight and so Jade just gets 3 days worth of zero's for trying to defend herself after some girl punched her twice. So.... Not good news there.
Tim is dragging his feet about transferring Lynn to the Kemah store, I can replace her, Mike already said he would sign me off as Team Lead if Tim would send me to him to interview. so really there is NO reason to keep Lynn. OR hold me back. I need this promotion. I need it or I have to find a new job. I know he doesn't want that. I threatened to walk around with sticks and a lighter next week so I could light a fire under his ass. Might not seem like the best way to talk to my boss but Oh yes really it is. he needs a rounto it. I want a nap, I am tired. yep nappy pooh
yeah..so I got moved I am all in the apartment...and completely lost in a mass of boxes. I did manage to get the kids in school. and I haven't been to work all this week. I go to work for the first time tomorrow. This is a problem. This shouldn't have taken so long to get done. Geez the schools were a pain in my ass although not completely their fault. I didn't realize Frank hadn't enrolled the kids in school to begin with. So...Jade may fail this year, although I did alot of talking and Jade did some crying at home and I talked with the school, and the school did some talking with me about *We* would get her passed whatever it took. They assured me and Jade that we could do this...YAY!!! good. Yay. anyway..I am so damn tired and I am not so not unpacked maybe by this weekend I can get it all done. :(
hehe..I just read a post by aka Holly...and I dunno the face she was making in her user pic, just made me flash to the day I was driving her and the Kids back to OKC... Good times funny as hell Greg had left a can of coke on the roof of the car and we drove off... We didn't' know he had left it up there, about 5 blocks down the road Holly starts screaming and putting her hands up like she is fighting off some invisible demon or ghost and screaming holy hell.. and we thought she was on fire or something we couldn't figure it out So I stopped and she calmed down.. yeah that can had just fallen over and not left the car and it was just spraying in the car enough that it was hitting her in the face I pulled over and Greg got out, and was laughing so hard I thought he would piss himself hell really it is still funny... as I sit here laughing It was really funny cause the first thing he said was "damn I wondered where I put that...now I wasted a good cold coke.." Holly wasn't as amused as we were...imagine that...although she did get a kick out of it... The Oh yeah You wasted a fucking can of coke on me!!!! dammit!!! hehe damn.
so it is safe to say I am a fuck up... I had planned on having a talk with Greg tonight, we had plans dinner and a movie.. he made the plans himself, I mean I agreed but it was his idea to do something tonight and he picked it.. So I go and pick him up and he tells me he had forgotten that Shane was out getting him something to eat while we were on the phone. ???? So there went dinner, then we had already decided that there was nothing on the theaters around here we wanted to see, so we were going to rent a movie... We went to hastings he couldn't find anything he wanted to watch, So I got Memoirs of a Geisha, and I asked him to read the backs of two movies, the Constant Gardener, and a new Johnny Depp movie he said no to the Johnny Depp one, and he said he hadn't heard anything about the other, I asked if it sounded good, he said " I mean yeah the back of it sounded good, but I mean, I don't know if I will like it.
So at that point I felt it was a hopeless cause this night. I ended up getting both movies anyway, and then asked him if he was hungry because he had said that whatever it was that Shane got was the only thing he had eaten all day and by the time I got there it had been two hours ago or so. And he said "yeah I mean I could eat" I told him that didn't answer my question so I went to the Greek restaurant, food was good service was SHIT, I mean SHIT!!! it was so bad that I didn't tip.... almost unheard of... so that put me in a worse mood... we came back here laid around for a bit trying to move again after stuffing ourselves silly... and so Greg gets on the computer, for he said 30 I dunno seemed longer to me but hey, I can't argue cause I dunno... and I turned into that bitch, you know the one hiding inside me.. and I told him if that was what he wanted to do he should have just stayed home.... which pissed him off... and he went home. I tried to apologize for it, I tried to talk to him about it. but he wasn't having any of that...He didn't want to talk to me. he said he would call Shane to come get him...which he didn't I offered to take him home...which I did. in the driveway he tells me he is sorry he ruined my Saturday night, but he loves me... I just glared at him, I don't know why, because he didn't understand what I meant by he could stay at home to play on the computer, that spending time with me had to included me. that he didn't' want to try and talk about it, just wanted to leave. and when I tried to talk about it, he told me he was sorry I felt that way.... I guess it was just everything built up into that moment. I didn't want to try and say I love you too...mainly because, I was mad, and I know that if you don't work out the problems you have they just get worse. I have yet to resolve anything with Greg, I feel like he is a marathon runner. fucking fast and does it a lot. fuck!!!! well I have managed to make things worse, when I had planned to be open and honest with him and talk to him about what the fuck ever is wrong with me......... hah, guess I don't have to worry about that talk now...
So, I have been doing something dangerous. I have been thinking... I have been thinking a lot, about my life and the people I love and the people I keep at bay, or just far enough away that i don't really have to worry about them one way or another. Sabrena called me today and we were talking about Hammocks. How a hammock makes me view, reflect and face the facts of my life I am quite unsure. but...that is how it started. I told her I had a hammock swing, and I do, Greg bought it for me then I moved and it is just sitting at his house. I have yet to take it out of the box. He is fixing to move, Shane is buying a house and until his father moves out of his house Greg will still be with Shane. After his dad moves Greg will move again into his house... I told Sabrena I would put it up once Greg moved into his house. which made me think of everything, crashing in on me all at once. in a moment of clarity I realized, that I had said, I would put it up once Greg was settled into his house. his house.... I even knew where I was going to put it...on the back porch where I can look at the tree he planted there. now why did I think that??? I told Sabrena I guess I planned on keeping him awhile. which started the other part of my thinking why is it I want rid of him so badly? why do I always do this? have I ever just given into someone completely?? I thought I had. I thought I had that with Frank, although Frank knew everything dark secret I had, every bad thing about me...all the good things I don't think he ever had all of me I doubt anyone ever has. which is funny...because I love my friends completely, I give to them more freely than I do my lovers... why? why do I do that?? is it all the bad shit that has happened to me? is it my life just as I know it why do I hold back am I just so fucked up that even the shit I knew was fucked up about me is really worse? have I been hiding from myself as well??? geez... Holly and Jade both like Greg, does that make me not want to like him as much because there is going to be a problem that I make and blow all out of portion??? they both said that I would not keep him because, if they like someone I find a reason to get rid of them is that true?? I think it might be... because to be honest, Greg isn't a bad person, he just has issues about sex...which I am pretty sure as to why he has them. I mean I think I have it figured out. so I guess I use that as a reason to push him away... like I don't have issues...hell after today's epiphany I am pretty sure I have more than just issues....yeah... I am almost positive that a doc would tell me all that is wrong with me and why...blah blah blah...shit I never wanted to hear and thought I could just push it away and it would matter. and then the other thing.. I upset Greg the other day because he asked if I would miss him if I didn't get to see him, and I was honest and said no..I wouldn't I don't miss people like other people if they aren't here, they aren't here, and that is true mostly. Holly is the only person that I miss and that isn't all the time just sometimes. I mean I miss my kids, I miss Krista, I miss my other sister, but Holly is the only one that I think of the most and go dammit I miss her being with me. I miss having her around. I miss her above all others.... why is that??? and what does that really say about me. Sabrena said she only knew one other person in the world like me..and that was Jade. out of sight out of mind... I mean something can happen and I miss people or I will see something and go ah I miss so and so...but Holly is the only person that for no reason I miss her. is that not a sign that I am a sociopath!!!
Apparently I don't care I just cant seem to make sense of any of it today I see problems without the solution and answers to the wrong questions fuck!